Crisis and grief
Grief is a long-term process and it is not possible to time how long it will last. Getting through grief is not a smooth, progressive process. It happens in different phases – back and forth. Time is a good friend. “Time heals all wounds”. However, this isn’t always true, as some losses are so deep that they leave lifelong scars on the soul. And maybe it’s not about overcoming the grief at all, but about being able to coexist with the feelings of sadness.
A crisis situation often triggers grief, which can subsequently provoke a crisis. Grief is a heavy emotion, and you may experience it following losses such as:
- A death in the family
- Divorce
- Losing your job
- Becoming homeless
- Loss of self-esteem
- When you or a close family member experiences illness or has a disabled child.
Grief processing means being able to recognise your loss or what has happened, i.e. feeling and experiencing the pain, sadness, guilt, shame and anger about the loss or event. Over time, you’ll learn new skills and you will be able to reinvest your emotional energy into your new life.
The different phases of a crisis as they appear over time:
The shock phase can last anywhere from 1 hour to 1 day, during which time internal chaos reigns – even despite appearing calm. You may suffer emotional paralysis, as if it were all happening on film or in a dream. Others can respond outwardly with shouting, complaining and screaming, but you will also see different written emotions when responding to social media posts. Emotions start running wild!
The reaction phase can range from weeks to months. Working with your grief will allows you to detach yourself from the loss, and not only the reason, but you will also understand what happened in your emotions. Grief is often followed by natural reactions such as weight loss, headaches, muscle pain, breathing difficulties, fatigue and difficulty sleeping. The physical discomfort comes and goes, but on certain days it resurfaces with full intensity, overwhelming you and leaving you feeling exceptionally vulnerable and deeply distressed.
The processing phase ranges from six months to 1 year. This is the phase that follows the crisis, when you process the emotions of grief. Failure to process a crisis can lead to suspicion, loneliness and an inability to enjoy life. This is when it becomes essential to create a space of care and structure within a supportive network to help detoxify the anxiety and grief, while gradually rebuilding confidence in both life and the future.
The reorientation phase is an individual realisation that life must go on. You begin to adapt to life without what has been lost, or by carrying the memory of what happened while embracing new values and applying the skills you’ve learned along the way. This often leads to a positive outlook on life.
Crisis reactions and self-help
If you are reading this text, you may have been affected by divorce, threats of suicide or your own thoughts about suicide, threats of violence, assault, theft, accidents or disasters. You may be going through a crisis or grief yourself, or you may be a relative to someone who is experiences going through a crisis or a grief. You will receive advice and guidance on how to manage your reactions, as well as on how caregivers can best support you and handle the crisis with compassion and care.
Normal reactions to abnormal events
Major accidents and sudden, unexpected events will seem violent, unpleasant and threatening to most people. Many people can experience a range of psychological after-effects, which are normal responses to a shocking experience.
Even if your reactions are normal, you may still think that you are sick or abnormal because you are reacting so strongly or differently to how you would normally act.
Experience shows that understanding these normal reactions makes it easier to accept them as a natural response to being exposed to a sudden, unexpected and stressful event.
The first reactions
The first reactions that follow the incident are shock or fright, as described in the previous section on crisis stages. You’ll feel like you’re acting on instinct, experiencing everything like an unreal film or like you’re in a dream. You’ll often see a person in crisis react by not understanding messages and struggling to remember and concentrate. It’s also not uncommon to experience physical reactions, such as:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Headaches
- Stomach ache
- Inner turmoil
- A sense of paralysis
- Tension
- Sensations of cold/heat
- Crying
The fact that many people in crisis react in this way doesn’t mean that everyone will have these reactions – you may react in a different way.
Reactions immediately after the incident
Once the incident is over, you may experience new reactions, both physical and psychological. Some may start to shake, sweat or feel dizzy or nauseous, similar to the reaction phase of the crisis phases listed above. Psychological reactions can include crying, feelings of emptiness, despair or powerlessness, anger, inner turmoil or a feeling of “inner chaos”. It’s important to be patient with yourself and accept the reactions that come up, but it’s also important to give yourself breaks from the crisis.
Reactions vary widely. They are all normal reactions to a sudden and shocking event. Here is a list of the most common reactions:
Bodily reactions
- Heart palpitations
- Stomach ache
- Nausea
- Headaches
- Muscle tension, dizziness
A sense of unreality
- A feeling of emptiness
- Everything seeming grey or lacking in colour
- What happened seems like a dream, something you’ve been watching, almost like a science-fiction film
Fear
- Of breaking down or losing control
- Of the same thing happening again
- Of the location where the incident happened
- Of meeting the assailant
- Of something happening to you or your loved ones
- Of being alone
Frequent re-experiences
- The incident is often accompanied by recurring waves of intense discomfort, anxiety, and physical reactions.
Anger
- About what happened
- Against those who caused it
- Over the meaninglessness of it
Guilt and shame
- About what you didn’t manage to say/do
- About being helpless in the situation
- About surviving
Irritability
- It’s easy to misunderstand your surroundings
- Feeling rejected
- Reacting with irritation and powerlessness
Lethargy
- Isolating or withdrawing yourself
- Not having any energy for activities
Reactions will usually fade gradually but can occasionally return with renewed vigour. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s all part of coming to terms with the violent incident. What typically happens is that you initially feel emotionally numb, and only begin to react once the incident has passed and the immediate danger is no longer present. In this situation, it’s important that you have someone present who can support you. If you’re alone, it’s important that someone comes to be with you as quickly as possible. It’s important that you feel calm, cared for and safe. It’s also important that you take time to talk about the incident with someone you feel comfortable with.
Longer-term reactions
In the days or weeks following the incident, it’s common for most people to dwell on it frequently, often reliving the experience repeatedly in their minds.
Many people are affected by varying degrees of anxiety and fear. These emotions can manifest themselves in multiple ways, such as restlessness, irritability, fear of situations reminiscent of the incident, fear of the dark or fear of being alone or in crowds of people.
Some people feel tired or depressed for seemingly no reason, while others have mood swings. Some people have trouble sleeping or suffer from nightmares.
In the period after a violent incident, it’s common that anything that reminds you of the incident will make you uncomfortable! This could be newspaper articles, images, sounds, etc. even if they are not directly related to the incident.
You may also find yourself thinking a lot about the incident, how it happened and all the things you could have done differently. Some people may experience a sense of guilt without reason following the incident, which gradually lessens as they come to accept that there was little/or nothing they could have done.
It’s important to talk about the thoughts you have
All these different thoughts and emotions can drain you of energy It may be helpful for you to talk to someone about your experience and take a short break from any work that requires intense concentration.
During this period when you’re not quite your usual self, you need extra tolerance, understanding and reassurance. That’s why you need good support from family, friends and colleagues. You may also need professional crisis counselling.
In the days following a violent experience, it’s important to accept that you are in a state of stress and not to expect too much from yourself. You need to “recover” and “sleep it off”, both physically and mentally.
Here are some self-help tips:
- Accept that it’s natural to react – make space for your emotions!
- Ensure you get proper sleep
- Eat and drink sensibly
- Avoid isolating yourself
- Share your thoughts, experiences and impressions with others. Accept support and use your network!
- Maintain your daily routines and stay active
- Try to do things that you usually enjoy and that energise you
- Take care of yourself – new accidents often happen after violent events due to a lack of concentration
- Consider whether you might benefit from professional crisis counselling
And remember that it’s natural to react
Finally, it’s important to accept the reactions you have. From experience, this makes it a little easier to move on.
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What can your family, friends and colleagues do to help?
- Be available – human presence in itself is very healing.
- Provide information, preferably several times, as the person in crisis may have difficulty remembering and concentrating.
- Stay calm.
- Offer practical help – even small things can feel overwhelming to the victim.
- Listen actively and be open and accepting of the crisis that the victim’s are explaining – it provides them with a safe space!
- Ask questions, but avoid asking why, as it can be difficult to explain choices and thoughts. Ask more directly about how you can help.
- Allow space for emotions and confusion.
Be available to help and support in the future. Remember that your support and understanding may be needed for a long time. In case of rejection, kindly insist on contact and try again at a later date.
